Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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