So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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