Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
