I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
