I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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