i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
