im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
