franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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