dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
