Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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