Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
