Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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