I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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