Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
