my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize