my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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