Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
