Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
