if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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