sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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