I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
