in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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