It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
