Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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