Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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