The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
They have beer where we have blood.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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