Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
