oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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