if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
