i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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