living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
