I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize