my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
