i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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