you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I AM VODKA MAN
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
