the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
