she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
