He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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