I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
