I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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