I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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