Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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