I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
