I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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