he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize