well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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