I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize