Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
