Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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