I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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