I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
