You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
