You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
