mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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