i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
