Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize