My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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