He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
