the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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