And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
