Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
