At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Drake has all the answers
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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