I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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