my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
