I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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