I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
