bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
