First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
